There are certain adjustments you make as newlyweds, one of the first being having your own home together. For Ethan and me, moving back to San Antonio and not having many friends made that adjustment slightly longer and more difficult. I think living on our own and moving away from friends all at once gave us a bigger shock than we expected. It was really hard on us at first and it didn’t take long before we discussed moving back to Wisconsin where the majority of people we knew lived.
Well friends, two years later and we’re still here! Ultimately we decided it was best to finish school in Texas as it was cheaper and we were tired of transferring. It was something I really prayed about at the time because I didn’t want it to affect our marriage. I thought, “What if Ethan ends up resenting us living in Texas? We’re so lonely, he’ll never want to stay here.” I remember one day (a few months later) talking to Ethan that we both realized, hey! We’re actually really happy living here now. We had good jobs, a nice apartment, loved going to school and were having fun being newlyweds in a beautiful city. Even though we missed our friends, we saw the blessings we had been given in TX and were really grateful that God had given us peace with our decision to stay.
I think a lot about that time in our marriage. It took us a while to find joy in our situation but eventually we did. Today, I find myself wondering again, Lord, how is losing this baby going to affect our marriage? How will we ever find joy again? Long before baby Bo, Ethan and I dreamed of a family together. We talked about when we would start trying, how many we wanted, where we’d take them on family vacations, how we would raise them! There was always so much excitement when talking about the future. And now, how would we go back to that excitement? How can we ever move forward when that means leaving so much behind? Is it still ok to talk about our dreams of a family even though we’ve just lost a precious member of that family? Does having more kids mean we’ve moved on and forgotten about her? Lord, help us. How will we ever find joy again?
I’m going to be honest, I have been really angry lately. I still don’t understand why this had to happen to us. We’re young. We’re healthy. We wanted this baby! This isn’t fair! I have seen that anger and confusion come between Ethan and me. I have let it start petty, meaningless fights. Yelling, crying, slamming the door fights. I think to myself, we would never fight like this, never. If only we hadn’t miscarried, everything would be better. But as hard as it gets, each time I have to remember who God united me to. As much as I miss that sweet baby, God did not unite me to her. He did not make us one flesh or bond us through holy sacrament.
You guys, I am so blessed that God gave me a husband who takes care of and loves me even when I’m at my worst. Literally, my worst. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Through this miscarriage, we have learned to really lean on one another. When I fall down, which is often, Ethan is always there to help me up. We pray together and include our Heavenly Father in everything we do. We are finding JOY again and this time it’s in our own marriage.
Friends, if you are reading this because you too have seen how a miscarriage can break a marriage, I encourage you to lay it all on the Lord. Just like Paul, Silas, and Timothy did for the Thessalonians, pray that He would, “make your love increase and overflow for each other.” Pray that you never forget who united you two together and that you continue to grow in oneness. Pray that your spouse knows they can lean on you through everything and that you find understanding together. If your story looks anything like to ours, I hope that sharing it has encouraged you in some way. If not, I pray you always remember Psalm 29:11, “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”
Thank you so much for letting me share our story with you