I understand it’s not easy knowing what to say to someone who’s just gone through a loss. It can be especially hard finding the right words when you have never lost the person in your life that someone else is currently grieving. The passing of an unborn baby is a unique kind of loss because many times, the pregnancy was not yet shared with others and the news of both can be overwhelming.
I’ve learned that many people will share their favorite scripture, some will tell stories, and others will say things that just make me go, “Take their words in the kindest possible way, Lauren!” Below are a few things we have been told in the past few weeks, what NOT to say to someone going through a miscarriage. I share this not to make anyone feel bad, but to hopefully enlighten others that are uncertain of what’s OK and what’s definitely not OK to say so that hopefully no other grieving moms ever have to hear this.
1. You’re still young, you’ll have more kids.
It doesn’t matter if we have 15 kids after this, a loss is a loss and nothing and nobody could ever replace this baby. More children won’t magically take the hole in my heart away. Not to mention, how can you be sure this won’t happen again?
2. Everything happens for a reason.
People use this phrase for a lot of things in life, but death should never be one of them. We shouldn’t have to wonder what this elusive “reason” is for the loss of a baby.
3. I didn’t even know you were ready for kids.
I’m not sure why this makes a difference. Even if this baby had been a complete accident (which she wasn’t) it wouldn’t make the loss any less painful.
4. At least you can get pregnant!
This is comparing miscarriage to other couples struggling with infertility. Ugh. You guys, miscarriage is hard. Infertility is hard. It’s all hard, and the outcome of the two is still the same: no baby.
5. You’ll be ok/You’re doing just fine.
These words (although I’m sure were spoken in love) just feel like an attempt to minimize my pain. No, I’m not fine and I don’t have to be either. Mothers never forget their babies, Bo is not an exception.
Well then what DO you say? It’s important to always remain sincere, but here are a few ideas: my heart goes out to you, you’re in my prayers, God has you in his hands, we love you! If you still aren’t sure, you can always fall back on scripture! Hearing your favorite passages during difficult times never gets old. I can’t tell you how many different people shared the exact same passages with me, I actually have several memorized now that I didn’t before. Here are some of my favorites!
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
Even though we’ve heard a few hurtful things over the past few weeks, we’ve still received an overwhelming amount of love and support from you guys! The kind words, cards, packages and flowers mean more to us than y’all will ever know! Thank you so much for continuing to let me share our story with you!