Hi everybody! Oh gosh where do I even start?? Well as many of you know, Ethan and I recently lost our first baby in April… Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh, that is so hard to write. It still makes my throat tighten.
The last several weeks have been SO vivid and yet so blurry for me. I am trying my hardest to keep any negativity away but it’s tough when each day still brings so much pain. Besides reading David’s Psalms, one of my new favorite distractions has become “journaling.” I put that word in quotation marks because although I’m writing in this small notebook every day, I don’t think the content has been very good for me.
Immediately after the miscarriage, I was encouraged by my mom and one of my professors to start writing everything down. I felt so painfully numb, I didn’t have much to say other than what I wish I could’ve told our baby girl, Evelyn Bo. I just wanted to have her back and tell her all the things we thought we would experience with her.. tickling her and hearing her giggle, taking her to Disney World someday, reading all the books we had for her….. It is the worst feeling in the world to have dreams for your baby and know they’ll never be a reality. It became too hard writing her letters she’ll never read.
But remember, away from the negativity. I know I will see my sweet baby Bo in Paradise some day!! Long story short, I still feel the need to write about this, I can’t pretend like it never happened. Since journaling to Bo became too hard, I thought I would write to encourage others instead. Numerous women reached out to me after Bo’s passing to let me know they had miscarried before as well and 1. never told anybody and wished they had or 2. showed me love/support by praying for me and telling me their stories. Although I thanked them, these women probably have no idea the depth of my appreciation. I want to be that support for someone who needs it too!
The weeks/months following our miscarriage have been and are still the darkest times I have ever experienced. Ugh. If you are reading this because you are currently going or have ever gone through a miscarriage, just hear one thing,
You are not alone. You are in my prayers and most importantly you are in God’s hands. He holds you right there in His palm where He also holds your sweet baby. Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those who are crushed in spirit.”
Thanks so much for listening and I pray this blog and its future posts can be a place of positivity and encouragement for at least one person.